Thoughts On the Third

I have been formulating this post in my head for a while now. As I’ve told a few of you, I wish I had a USB cable that I could just run from my brain to the computer sometimes!  The first part of November has been LONG.  Lance had 2+ weeks of ward coverage which means very long hours.  Thankfully, though, the remainder of the month should be easier as he’ll be on a different service. 

So, anyways, back to the post.  I have been thinking about this baby experience as compared to the first two quite a bit lately.  Most of my thinking happens in the  few minutes that are relatively kid-free: the shower.  And yet, my thoughts are totally encompassed by them.   Of course, they often include worries such as I really hope Tommy isn’t trying to climb the shelves again  or Maddy better not be coloring the wall. But mostly, I’ve been thinking about how different things have been this time around.  I think that despite the craziness of Aaron being number 3 with numbers 1 and 2 so close, I’ve really been able to enjoy his newborn and infant days so much more than the others.  With Maddy, it was all about the first baby; trying to figure this whole motherhood thing out.  That, and it was severely colored by the feeding challenges that we faced.  Tommy’s early months were shadowed with the hellish experience that is colic.  No one had it easy.  And now Aaron…yes, baby number 3 in an already full house, but one that has been so blessedly happy.  He slept through the night from 2 months to 4 months of age…THAT WAS AWESOME.  Unfortunately, that has not been the case for the past almost 2 months…but he’s still pretty great.   He goes right back down and doesn’t fuss a whole lot.  Between the cold, pneumonia, and possible teething (?) whatcha gonna do?

More so than the differences between each child, I have learned so much as a mom with each one.  One of the biggest issues I had the first time around was with feeding.  When I was pregnant with Maddy, I knew I wanted to breastfeed.  Why? Well, because it just seemed like what you’re supposed to do.  My mom did it with us, so naturally, that’s what I would do.  I didn’t take any special classes, do any reading, or research.  It never crossed my mind to do any of that.  The baby was just supposed to come out and start sucking, right?  Ha.  Rude awakening on that one.  Through the trials of finger feeding, nipple shields, pumping, and finally just moving to formula, I experienced a good array of the choices out there.  It was hard and I just didn’t understand why the heck it wasn’t working as I thought nature intended.  I let my entire sense of being a mom rest on that one aspect of actually being a mom.  Thankfully, I stumbled across way awesome supports online such as the Fearless Formula Feeder website which helped me see that I wasn’t alone.  I had tons of you come by my side as well, but to be able to read accounts of countless other moms encountering similar challenges and how they dealt with them was very helpful.  I wasn’t sure what I would do the second time around.  After lots of thought and discussion with Lance, I knew that I would try again, but avoid finger feeding and all that if things weren’t going well and just transition to formula once things got to be too much.  I wasn’t going to pump, either.  (Turns out that the pumping ended up being the culprit for much of my physical issues anyways…I LOATHE my pump.  I don’t know why I even still have it.  I have used it ONCE with Aaron only to be reminded of how much damage it actually does. OUCH.)  This time, I met feeding with more experience, realistic expectations, and greater trust in my body and what it was supposed to do.  And you know what?  This has been the most AMAZING nursing experience yet.  Granted, Aaron came out knowing how to eat (latch took a little adjusting, but that’s okay), but I wasn’t so fearful of everything.  Well, not true.  I still know I have a tenuous supply.  That’s why he’s only ever had ONE bottle in his almost-6 months.  But he took it and that was a good thing (Lance and I had a nice little date night for my birthday back in October).  And having been on the bottle-feeding side of things with the others, let me say that if I had to add washing and preparing bottles to my daily To-Do list, I would surely lose my ever-loving mind.  Having the food supply right there ready to go whenever I need it is pretty dang awesome.  All that said, my initial long-term nursing goal was to make it 6 months, and we’re almost there.  I would love to go longer if possible, but Aaron is starting to prefer one side, as Tommy did shortly before I stopped.  While I was able to continue with Tommy for almost 2 months on just one side, its not an experience I wish to repeat (looking/feeling lopsided just isn’t my thing).  A full year would be awesome, but I just don’t know if that is a realistic goal knowing how things could go for me. The way I see it, every day beyond 6 months is a bonus.

Okay, that feeding tangent took a bit space than I intended…lol…but it is a huge part of my retrospect, I think.  Another part of why I think I’m enjoying baby so much more is that I might be a bit more laid back.  Maybe. As long as no one is hurt, who cares if every. single. toy in the house is covering the living room floor?  We’ll just pick it up before nap/bedtime.  What? You don’t want that for lunch? Oh well.  Guess you’ll be hungry. I’m not taking special orders for lunch today.  Just don’t break yourself or anything too important and we’ll all survive.  All the same, I MUST bathe the kids daily.  I know some folks let baths slide for a day if need be, but that’s just something I can’t do.  So perhaps I’m not as laid-back as I think. 

Another helpful thing (well, sometimes) is that Maddy and Tommy can occupy each other/play together/try to wound each other. Yes, they do all three. Sadly.  But it allows me to hang out with Aaron.  As he’s getting older, I try and engage one of the older kids with me in playtime with Aaron, and I feel better about that.  They enjoy it, too.  Maddy loves trying to help him calm down when he’s fussing.  She often will say, “I’m here, Aaron, I’m here.  It’s okay! It’s okay!” She can be so sweet.   Tommy is still working on how to show his affection.  I’m trying to convince him that sitting on baby is not a good thing.

Of course, this post isn’t to say I have achieved any kind of motherhood Zen.  I still second-guess myself all the time.  When it’s just me, I make the on-the-spot decisions, but if Lance is home, I’m quick to run to him for an opinion.  I don’t think even the wisest, or most seasoned of moms has it figured out (well, except maybe Michelle Duggar…how has she NOT lost her mind? She’s had at least 17 3-year olds!!!).  I just feel that I am finally able to take moments to stand back and just watch my sweet baby explore the world without so many worries, concerns, and fears overshadowing these precious early days.  I am thankful for the experiences with the first two that allowed me to get to this point.  I am thankful that my experience with number 3 has allowed me to recall some of those special moments that got cluttered away with all the drama inherent in 1 and 2.  I am thankful that I get to be mom to these three kiddos even when they make me utterly crazy.